When Love is Not Enough: Reassessing Marriage in the Muslim Community

A good article on the Muslim marriage problem:
http://mentalhealth4muslims.com/2012/02/29/when-love-is-not-enough-reassessing-marriage-in-the-muslim-community/

"So, basically 1/3 of our marriages are ending in divorce and 1/4th of those are because of incompatibility.."
Let’s start with the youth. Unfortunately, many of our youth have been affected by what is called “The Love Delusion,” which one article describes as:

“The root of any romance today is love, but it wasn’t always so..." 

Ibn Hajar al-Asqalani- Great scholars of Islam

Abu’l-Fadl Ahmad ibn Hajar’s family originated in the district of Qabis in Tunisia. He became known as "Commander of the Faithful in Hadith", a very rare title in Islamic history. He was born in Egypt in 773, the son of the Shafi‘i scholar and poet Nur al-Din ‘Ali and the learned and aristocratic Tujjar. Ibn Hajar was entered in a Qur’anic school (kuttab) when he reached five years of age. Here he excelled, learning Surat Maryam in a single day, and progressing to the memorization of texts such as the Mukhtasar of Ibn al-Hajib on usul. 


By the time he accompanied al-Kharrubi to Mecca at the age of 12, he was competent enough to lead the Tarawih prayers in the Holy City, where he spent much time studying and recalling God amid the pleasing simplicity of Kharrubi’s house, the Bayt al-‘Ayna’, whose windows looked directly upon the Black Stone. Two years later his protector died, and his education in Egypt was entrusted to the hadith scholar Shams al-Din ibn al-Qattan, who entered him in the courses given by the great Cairene scholars, after which he was able to travel to Damascus and Jerusalem, where he studied under more famous scholars. After a further visit to Mecca and Madina, and to the Yemen, he returned to Egypt. 

When he reached 25 he married the lively and brilliant Anas Khatun, then 18 years of age. She was a hadith expert in her own right, holding ijazas from Zayn al-Din al-‘Iraqi, and she gave celebrated public lectures in the presence of her husband to crowds of ulema among whom was Imam al-Sakhawi. After the marriage, Ibn Hajar moved into her house, where he lived until his death. Many noted how she surrounded herself with the old, the poor and the physically handicapped, whom it was her privilege and pleasure to support. So widely did her reputation for sanctity extend that during her fifteen years of widowhood, which she devoted to good works, she received a proposal from Imam ‘Alam al-Din al-Bulqini, who considered that a marriage to a woman of such charity and baraka would be a source of great pride.

Once ensconced in Egypt, Ibn Hajar taught in the Sufi lodge (khaniqah) of Baybars for some twenty years, and then in the hadith college known as Dar al-Hadith al-Kamiliyya. During these years, he served on occasion as the Shafi‘i chief justice of Egypt, and was an Ash'ari scholar (like most scholars in history) of the Ahlus Sunnah.

It was in Cairo that the Imam wrote some of the most thorough and beneficial books ever added to the library of Islamic civilization. He wrote over 150 books, and in 817, Ibn Hajar commenced the enormous task of assembling his Fath al-Bari. It began as a series of formal dictations to his hadith students, after which he wrote it out in his own hand and circulated it section by section to his pupils, who would discuss it with him once a week. As the work progressed and its author’s fame grew, the Islamic world took a close interest in the new work.


In 833, Timur’s son Shahrukh sent a letter to the Mamluk sultan al-Ashraf Barsbay requesting several gifts, including a copy of the Fath, and Ibn Hajar was able to send him the first three volumes. In 839 the request was repeated, and further volumes were sent, until, in the reign of al-Zahir Jaqmaq, the whole text was finished and a complete copy was dispatched. Similarly, the Moroccan sultan Abu Faris ‘Abd al-‘Aziz al-Hafsi requested a copy before its completion. When it was finished, in Rajab 842, a great celebration was held in an open place near Cairo, in the presence of the ulema, judges, and leading personages of Egypt. Ibn Hajar sat on a platform and read out the final pages of his work, and then poets recited eulogies and gold was distributed. It was, says the historian Ibn Iyas, ‘the greatest celebration of the age in Egypt.’

Shaykh al-Islam Ibn Hajar departed this life in 852. His funeral was attended by ‘fifty thousand people’, including the sultan and the caliph; ‘even the Christians grieved.’ He was remembered as a gentle man, short, slender, and white-bearded, a lover of chess and calligraphy, much inclined to charity; ‘good to those who wronged him, and forgiving to those he was able to punish.’ A lifetime’s proximity to the hadith had imbued him with a deep love of the Messenger (may Allah bless him and grant him peace). 


A more detailed bio is here:
http://www.sunnah.org/history/Scholars/imam_ibn_hajar_al-asqalani.htm 

Marriage, Parents and Youth

There is a contradiction in today’s Muslim world where the older generation (like the parents) often get confused and angry about why their children/youth are going astray and committing sins that were not even thought of in their previous times. There’s quite a few major reasons, and I plan to cover them in various parts insha’Allah. The common factor is that society has made the haram easy for people to do, but made the halal hard to do, and put obstacles to the halal things.

As to why most Muslim youth are getting involved in sexual relationships before marriage (they are committing a major sin), there is the peer pressure, media/entertainment and the society which shows that it is “cool” to have such haram relationships. And they get lonely or jealous if they see others having “fun” and have “comfort” and “love” through their boyfriends/girlfriends. There's haram and naked people/images everywhere. The deep seated needs and desires of the innocent youth are encouraged and stimulated by seeing others fulfilling their desires.

But when they want to fulfil their desires and want to in a halal way, through getting married, they come across many obstacles to their path, primarily from their parents and cultural expectations. Whilst most people have sexual relationships and partners at university and can easily fulfil their haram desires, the Muslims wanting to stay halal, can’t. Their parents want them to restrain their desires for at least 3 years, as they finish university. But even then, the parents want them to get a job, work for a few years, establish their career and only then can they look to get married.

What type of society is this? How can parents expect their children to restrain their sexual urges for so long, when the temptation is everywhere? Why make the youth suffer? Did the Prophet say that the youth can’t get married until they get a degree or have become quite rich? In fact the Prophet recommended marrying young.

I understand parents want their child to have a good marriage but then they can’t be sure that their child will get it. They can't expect their children to avoid adultery when at university, and at the same time wait for years to get married. It’s normally one or the other (unless the child is really religious).

It is possible to marry and study at university and get a good degree at the same time. It happens many times. Most students have sexual partners and live with them (especially the non-Muslims), yet many of them do fine in their degrees. In fact they can support and motivate each other when one is down. The same is the case with career. Many non-Muslims and Muslims make an excellent career, even when they're married before that.

As for financial stability, that is quoted for not being allowed to get married, the standard has been grossly exaggerated by cultural influences. The Islamic requirement is actually that a husband provides (he can even borrow to provide them):

 1. Food

2. Articles for personal hygiene

3. Clothing

4. Housing

5. And any expenses related to pregnancy and childbirth

And many people actually can provide all that. The most expensive thing is the house. But if you look at the Islamic law, the requirement is fulfilled if "the wife is provided with a separate area within the house, and where she is able to keep her belongings and where none of the husband's family members are able to enter"(Radd al-Muhtar 3/559-600). Don't many of the students already live in their own apartment that they rent? Or they have separate rooms in their own houses? And in a few years they can get a bigger house, or house just for the two of them if they currently live with family house.

But the parents want so much more income, like provide a life of luxury for the girl. Or they'll only allow a person to marry a specific race/colour, regardless of the person being more pious and better in every other way. These are unIslamic standards. After all, money comes and goes, people get fired all the time, and the Sahaba married people of various races/colours (see their marriages in India, in Persia etc). When a husband is fired, will the girl be pressured to divorce him? People implicitly assume that the spouse has control over his destiny, not Allah swt.

If the Prophet wanted to marry your daughter, would you reject him because he is not Pakistani? Much of the diversity of this Muslim Ummah is due to the inter-racial marriages leading to richer cultures, more cooperation, unity and breadth of experience for Muslims.

The problem becomes further worse and higher chance of adultery, when a boy and girl like each other, even if the parents know about it. Yet they have to wait years (like 2 or 3 years) to marry, and they talk every day, or meet now and then and have lots of temptations from shaytan.  They should be allowed to get married, to avoid the haram, since their desire to be together occurs regularly. It's better that a couple be married and have a sexual relationship than if they be unmarried and have pre-marital sexual relationships.

After the obstacles to marriage presented by culture and parents, I don’t think it is right for parents to complain that their children have committed adultery and disobeyed their commands. What will you tell Allah if He asks you “why did you make it difficult for your child to do things the halal way? Because of you s/he sinned!” But if as a parent, you want your child to grow up Islamically, then please make the halal path easy, and make the haram path harder. The problems of parents and youth affect us all, so lets work together insha'Allah.

You don't want your child to be like this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pu0ZUZCjDX0&feature=player_embedded 

Take my hand- Story of two friends

A song called "Take my hand"(includes video) by Nader Khan based on a story cited by Imam Ghazali in his book “Duties of Brotherhood in Islam”, translated into English by Muhtar Holland. The story is of two friends from an ancient Jewish community, and deals with their lifestyle of devotion and worship, how one of them goes astray, and how his friend takes him by the hand, back to his original path. 


"Take my hand, come with me
Take your time, but don’t you see
That your ways, won’t set you free

Take my hand, come with me
Take a look, inside the door
Of my heart, you’ll see for sure
That my love, for you is pure

Take my hand, come with me
I won’t judge, won’t put you down
While you lie, down on the ground
Take your time, I’ll hang around

Take my hand, come with me
I don’t know how I would fare
If your trials, I was to bear
But your burden, do let me share

Take my hand, come with me
Take this hate out of your heart
It’s alright that we’ve grown apart
Let’s give this thing a brand new start

Take my hand, come with me
Turn your anger, your glowing rage
Against yourself, break out of the cage
Write your story, on a brand new page

Take my hand, come with me
I won’t shout, I’ll stay composed
This is where, you need me most
It’s not too late, the door hasn’t closed

Take my hand, come with me
And if i stumble, as I walk with you
I’ll take your hand, oh I’ll come with you
I’ll need your strength, to pull me through
But now take my hand, and now come with me" 


Lyrics thanks to:
http://maryamnoorieverything.blogspot.co.uk/2009/07/take-my-handnader-khan.html 

The Apples and Sheikh Abdur Rahman Shaghouri

This is a nice story on helping people in following the true way of the Prophet. insha'Allah. 

 

“I watched for a moment as Sheikh Abdur Rahman Shaghouri stopped to buy some apples from a cart in front of the mosque. He took the plastic bag from the seller and filled it with the worst apples he could find nicked, bruised, and worm-holed which he chose as carefully as most people choose good ones, then paid for and with a smile shook hands with the man before we went up the hill to the sheikh’s home. Small and lithe, he had a light complexion, penetrating eyes, aquiline features with expressive lips, and a trimmed mustache and full beard. He dressed elegantly, wearing a few turns of white and gold cloth around a red fez on his head, a knee- length suit and vest over a shirt without a tie, and trousers tapering to the ankles. As we climbed higher and higher, I wanted to carry the bag, but he wouldn’t let me, saying that the Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) had said, The one who needs a thing is the one who should carry it. When I reflected on his strange shopping, I realized that it had been to save the apple man from having to throw any out. The incident summed up the sheikh’s personality and life, which was based on futuwwa or putting others ahead of oneself."

It shows how beautiful Islamic scholars of the Ahlus Sunnah can be, and that they represent the true Islam, as explained by the Prophet (Sallallahu alaihi wa sallam). You will not see any other sect have such sincerity 

                                                    May we have such

 insha'Allah :)

The source of the story can be found here:

http://shadhilitariqa.com/site/index.php?id=2&option=com_content&task=view

Don't force Islam on me!

The time has come when people hate to be corrected, and they get offended when someone advises them, even in a nice way, that what they are doing is wrong and that they should follow the Islamic ruling and please Allah swt and His Prophet (Sallallahu alaihi wa sallam). And they make many excuses for not heeding the advice.

One of them say 'you can't enforce your beliefs'. But the question should be asked 'is it really enforcing beliefs?' Since when has advising or persuading someone that they're wrong become 'enforcement'?

Enforcing beliefs on others would be where you threaten a person with death if they don't accept your beliefs. They are "forced" into one choice, they can't carry out any other act. As long as a person has the choice in this world, without having himself killed, its not considered 'forcing a belief'. After all, a person can even be in jail, and still believe in a certain thing, since belief is what you believe in the heart.

However if the case is of stopping a person from doing a certain act, then if the person is prevented by force (like put in jail), then one can claim that beliefs are being enforced in the realm of action. Nevertheless we should remember that every day actions or the prevention of actions are forced upon us. For example a person X wants to break the speed limit repeatedly or tries to murder, so he is arrested and forced to not break it or do murder, when he is in jail. And this is considered as "enforcing belief in the realm of actions" by the legal scholars, lawyers and government.Thus the claim that "no one can enforce beliefs" is blatantly false.

In fact the Prophet (Sallallahu alaihi wa sallam) gave the Islamic command to stop people from doing haram (the unlawful in Islam) when he said:

"Whoever amongst you sees anything objectionable, let him change it with his hand, if he is not able, then with his tongue, and if he is not even able to do so, then with his heart, and the latter is the weakest form of faith. (Muslim)

So commanding the good and forbidding the evil are obligatory upon Muslims, although it needs wisdom and can have a different ruling. Please see the fiqh/ruling of it (1).

If people do that, then we would see less evil in the world, and more people dong good, since knowledge would increase amongst people, and the paths of good would be supported, whilst the paths of evil stunted.

In one of the Prophetic Hadiths, there was a person who just worshipped Allah swt, but didn't fulfill the command of encouraging the good and forbidding the evil, and the community disobeyed Allah swt, so he was destroyed with the rest of the community.

Nevertheless, in advising someone, you should wish the best for someone and try to be least offensive to the person. If the person doesn't want to listen, then in many cases we can't do anything about it nor force the person. But in some situations you can take action, such as if the person is committing adultery in your house, or bringing in drugs, then you can kick the person out if he doesn't listen.

Furthermore by commanding, we show people the seriousness of what they're doing and in fact trying to save them from the punishment of hell. It shows that we are concerned and care for the person, that we are real friends. It’s like if our friend was about to stab himself or fall into the fire, we would try to stop that person but if we didn’t we’d be blamed by people for not doing anything right?

The person corrected/advised should thank the person giving advice, like one who thanks another person for saving his life. But if the person corrected, gets angry and says stuff like “you think you’re better than me, don’t enforce your beliefs” etc, then this indicates a disease in the heart of the person corrected, and the disease should be removed. A person should be sincere, humble and ready to accept his/her mistakes. But the disease here is stubbornness, blindness, arrogance, pride, love of dunya and so on.


Imam Shafi'i said when he was asked how he attained such great character and he responded by saying “I listened to my critics and took their criticism seriously”.

1)     1) Fiqh of commanding the right: http://spa.qibla.com/issue_view.asp?HD=1&ID=165&CATE=14

Mathematical tests of the Qur'an

A friend of mine, Marwan, did the following tests on the Qur'anic mathematical/numerical miracle claims, and they can be easily retested. Although some claims made in some sites are false, the ones tested by the brother are true and are shown/proved in the following video:

 Part 1

Part 2