When Love is Not Enough: Reassessing Marriage in the Muslim Community

A good article on the Muslim marriage problem:
http://mentalhealth4muslims.com/2012/02/29/when-love-is-not-enough-reassessing-marriage-in-the-muslim-community/

"So, basically 1/3 of our marriages are ending in divorce and 1/4th of those are because of incompatibility.."
Let’s start with the youth. Unfortunately, many of our youth have been affected by what is called “The Love Delusion,” which one article describes as:

“The root of any romance today is love, but it wasn’t always so..." 

Marriage, Parents and Youth

There is a contradiction in today’s Muslim world where the older generation (like the parents) often get confused and angry about why their children/youth are going astray and committing sins that were not even thought of in their previous times. There’s quite a few major reasons, and I plan to cover them in various parts insha’Allah. The common factor is that society has made the haram easy for people to do, but made the halal hard to do, and put obstacles to the halal things.

As to why most Muslim youth are getting involved in sexual relationships before marriage (they are committing a major sin), there is the peer pressure, media/entertainment and the society which shows that it is “cool” to have such haram relationships. And they get lonely or jealous if they see others having “fun” and have “comfort” and “love” through their boyfriends/girlfriends. There's haram and naked people/images everywhere. The deep seated needs and desires of the innocent youth are encouraged and stimulated by seeing others fulfilling their desires.

But when they want to fulfil their desires and want to in a halal way, through getting married, they come across many obstacles to their path, primarily from their parents and cultural expectations. Whilst most people have sexual relationships and partners at university and can easily fulfil their haram desires, the Muslims wanting to stay halal, can’t. Their parents want them to restrain their desires for at least 3 years, as they finish university. But even then, the parents want them to get a job, work for a few years, establish their career and only then can they look to get married.

What type of society is this? How can parents expect their children to restrain their sexual urges for so long, when the temptation is everywhere? Why make the youth suffer? Did the Prophet say that the youth can’t get married until they get a degree or have become quite rich? In fact the Prophet recommended marrying young.

I understand parents want their child to have a good marriage but then they can’t be sure that their child will get it. They can't expect their children to avoid adultery when at university, and at the same time wait for years to get married. It’s normally one or the other (unless the child is really religious).

It is possible to marry and study at university and get a good degree at the same time. It happens many times. Most students have sexual partners and live with them (especially the non-Muslims), yet many of them do fine in their degrees. In fact they can support and motivate each other when one is down. The same is the case with career. Many non-Muslims and Muslims make an excellent career, even when they're married before that.

As for financial stability, that is quoted for not being allowed to get married, the standard has been grossly exaggerated by cultural influences. The Islamic requirement is actually that a husband provides (he can even borrow to provide them):

 1. Food

2. Articles for personal hygiene

3. Clothing

4. Housing

5. And any expenses related to pregnancy and childbirth

And many people actually can provide all that. The most expensive thing is the house. But if you look at the Islamic law, the requirement is fulfilled if "the wife is provided with a separate area within the house, and where she is able to keep her belongings and where none of the husband's family members are able to enter"(Radd al-Muhtar 3/559-600). Don't many of the students already live in their own apartment that they rent? Or they have separate rooms in their own houses? And in a few years they can get a bigger house, or house just for the two of them if they currently live with family house.

But the parents want so much more income, like provide a life of luxury for the girl. Or they'll only allow a person to marry a specific race/colour, regardless of the person being more pious and better in every other way. These are unIslamic standards. After all, money comes and goes, people get fired all the time, and the Sahaba married people of various races/colours (see their marriages in India, in Persia etc). When a husband is fired, will the girl be pressured to divorce him? People implicitly assume that the spouse has control over his destiny, not Allah swt.

If the Prophet wanted to marry your daughter, would you reject him because he is not Pakistani? Much of the diversity of this Muslim Ummah is due to the inter-racial marriages leading to richer cultures, more cooperation, unity and breadth of experience for Muslims.

The problem becomes further worse and higher chance of adultery, when a boy and girl like each other, even if the parents know about it. Yet they have to wait years (like 2 or 3 years) to marry, and they talk every day, or meet now and then and have lots of temptations from shaytan.  They should be allowed to get married, to avoid the haram, since their desire to be together occurs regularly. It's better that a couple be married and have a sexual relationship than if they be unmarried and have pre-marital sexual relationships.

After the obstacles to marriage presented by culture and parents, I don’t think it is right for parents to complain that their children have committed adultery and disobeyed their commands. What will you tell Allah if He asks you “why did you make it difficult for your child to do things the halal way? Because of you s/he sinned!” But if as a parent, you want your child to grow up Islamically, then please make the halal path easy, and make the haram path harder. The problems of parents and youth affect us all, so lets work together insha'Allah.

You don't want your child to be like this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pu0ZUZCjDX0&feature=player_embedded 

Marriage Advice to a Dear Friend

Assalam-o-Alaikum,

I wrote this to a dear friend who recently got married Alhamdulillah:

Sorry for the long message, but I deem this a very important stage in your life, and that calls for much effort and time for me, in order to respect what it is for:)

I tried calling you a few times, but it is the Qadr of Allah Most High that it didn’t go through, so I’m writing this, so that it can remain etched in your heart and eyes for a long time, and so that you can return to reading this, insha’Allah many years later. You know what moves me to write on things, you did much for the Islamic society and for Muslims, and the least I can do, as a member of the ISOC, is to benefit you.

Please share this writing with your spouse too.

The Messenger of Allah said, "Religion (dîn) is sincerity (nasiha) (corrective advice, good counsel and sincere conduct). The dîn is nasiha. The dîn is nasiha....” (Tirmidhi)

“And we are good friends of him. And most surely we are his sincere well-wishers.” (Quran, sura Yusuf, verse 11)

I am very sorry that I could not attend your wedding, but work did not permit it, but my soul did feel the joy of knowing that you are married and happy Alhamdulillah

You might know a lot of what I will say here, but perhaps it is a reminder to all of us insha’Allah.
Allah Almighty says, "Those who say, 'Our Lord, give us joy in our wives and children and make us a good example for those who have taqwa." (25:74)

A hadith of the Prophet (Sallallahu alaihi wa sallam) talks about how certain acts are haram and lead to sin, yet the opposite of those acts are halal and lead to good deeds. Marriage is one of those acts which are recommended (and halal) and lead to much good deeds with the right intention.

So ensure that your intention is for the sake of Allah Most High.  There are some Hadiths especially relevant to that issue, and they are:
The Prophet, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, said, "Anyone who possesses three attributes will experience the sweetness of belief: that he loves Allah and His Messenger more than anything else; that he loves someone for the sake of Allah alone;...[Agreed upon]

The Prophet, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, said, "There are seven whom Allah will shade with His shade on the day when there is no shade but His shade: ... two men who love each other for the sake of Allah,” (Agreed upon)

 The Messenger of Allah, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, say, 'Allah, the Mighty and Exalted, says, "Those who love one another for My majesty will have minbars of lights. The Prophets and martyrs will envy them."'" [at-Tirmidhi]

A man was with the Prophet, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, when a man passed by him and said, "O Messenger of Allah, I love this man." The Prophet said to him, "Have you informed him?" He said, "No." He said, "Inform him," and he caught up with him and said, "I love you for the sake of Allah." He said, "The One for whom you love me has made me love you." [Abu Dawud]

 The Messenger of Allah, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, said, "Allah Almighty will say on the Day of Rising, 'Where are those who loved one another for the sake of My majesty? Today, on the day when there is no shade but My shade, I will shade them.'" [Muslim]

The love includes halal love between relatives and husband and wife. This way, one’s relationship isn’t limited to this world, but is established in the strong hold of the Almighty Allah, and is never lost with Him.

And when one remembers that the love that you have for each other is for Allah’s sake, then the times of hardship and trials that naturally occur in any relationship (even amongst the Prophets they occurred, and even they occur amongst our relationships with parents and siblings) are kept in perspective and are less likely to harm any relationship.

You remember that the purpose of your marriage is to help each other become better people and to reach Jannah for eternity, so that you can be together for eternity. Remember that this world is short, maybe you’ll live for 60 years here, but compare it to the hereafter. There there is no rancour nor jealousy nor any bad thing, but there is total bliss.

But in this world, one can’t expect total bliss, but should expect trials, and looks for ways to help each other overcome the trials of this world. Both male and female are different in their biological and psychological features, so their strengths and weaknesses differ, and it is up to you two to find the strengths and weaknesses and compensate for them, so that together, you two can be complete human beings.

So remember to seek each other’s advice and consult in your affairs where appropriate.  That is the key to successful relationships where each party is included in the decision making process. Al-Hasan said, "People never seek advice without being guided to the best possibility available to them." Then he recited, "and manage their affairs by mutual consultation." (42:38)

When you disagree on something, try to understand each other’s view and try to be in each other’s shoes, but at same time, try to be rational and logical in decisions, and come to conclusions, and resolve disputes, based on common premises (or shared concerns/benefits).

We don’t disrespect men or women, because out of the men, the best of creation the Holy Prophet (Sallallahu alaihi wa sallam) came, and out of women, our mother Sayyida Khadija (may Allah Most High be pleased with  her) came, and she helped him in his important and difficult time of need.

Remember the Prophetic Hadith “A believer is a mirror to his brother. A believer is a brother of a believer: he protects him against any danger and guards him from behind.” (Bukhari). This becomes even more important in the case of a married couple, since you get to know much about each other, and you should help each other change the defects that are possible to change. And those defects that can’t be changed, one should ignore and focus on the good points of the person.  Don’t focus on the issues that are external, like beauty, since that will fade, and the marriage is intended to last longer than the age of beauty.

Remember that purification of the heart is very important in relation to this. It is the key to paradise, and the “mirror” is an excellent metaphor here. Remember “The Day when neither wealth nor children shall profit, [and when] only he [will be saved] who comes before God with a sound heart [free of evil]” (al-Shu'ara' 26: 88-9). So strive to become better human beings that adopt the pure characteristics, and get rid of the bad characteristics of the soul. It is of much help if someone can look at your faults of the heart, point them out, and help you get rid of them. 

Allah Almighty says, "Help each other to goodness and taqwa," (5:2)

So help each other in doing good deeds, help in encouraging each other, increasing the Iman of each other, drawing closer to Allah Most High together. The Iman of people increases and decreases, but the amount and duration of the decrease can be countered by having another person to pick up your Iman.

Increase each other in knowledge and benefit since it is one of the quickest ways to paradise. It helps in fulfilling the rights of each person, and spouse, and helps in good deeds.  The Hadith applies to both men and women where the Holy Prophet (Sallallahu alaihi wa sallam) said “If anyone travels on a road in search of knowledge, Allah will cause him to travel on one of the roads of Paradise. The angels will lower their wings in their great pleasure with one who seeks knowledge, the inhabitants of the heavens and the Earth and the fish in the deep waters will ask forgiveness for the learned man. The superiority of the learned man over the worshipper is like that of the moon, on the night when it is full, over the rest of the stars. The learned are the heirs of the Prophets, and the Prophets leave neither dinar nor dirham, leaving only knowledge, and he who takes it takes a big fortune.” (Abu Dawud)

However don’t put too much emphasis upon yourself and your rights, but rather put more emphasis on the rights of your spouse and what you can do for her/him. As the saying goes “don’t think what the spouse can do for you, but what you can do for your spouse”. Act based upon selflessness, and expect the reward from Allah Most High, not on the basis of a reward from any person.

Remember the Hadith “Whoever initiates a good practice (sunnah hasanah) in Islam and is emulated by others in doing so will get the reward of it and the reward of all those who act upon it without their rewards being diminished in any respect....” (Muslim).  So when each of you do a good deed, the other gets a reward too. And imagine then if one of you teaches the other, and s/he teaches another, and so on, then the initial person and everyone in between gets the good deed.

But if you have children and you teach them good,  and they implement it, then you get the good deeds of that (or you get bad deeds if they do the bad deeds from your teachings, according to the full hadith of the above), and that serves as an important source of good deeds after you die.  Ensure a proper and excellent Islamic environment for your family. And we must prepare for our death as well, because that is inevitable, and we will need all the good deeds that we can get.

Furthermore, don’t think that the spending on each other is a waste, but rather remember Allah Most High in the following Hadith and hope for His continuous reward and increase in barakah (blessings) and love between each other:
The Messenger of Allah, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, said, "Is not the best dinar a man spends the dinar which he spends on his family and the dinar which he spends on his mount in the way of Allah and the dinar which he spends on his companions in the way of Allah?" [Muslim]

The Prophet (Sallallahu alaihi wa sallam) said, “Exchange gifts, as that will lead to increasing your love to one another.” [Bukhari]

Remember the example of the Prophet, he used to accept all gifts, no matter how small they were, and he would return the favour, and not think lowly of the gift (he said “one should not look down on a gift from her neighbour, even if it is only a sheep's trotter."- Muwatta).

Remember the principle of husn adh-dhann, an important principle of Islam, and that is that you have a good opinion of people. Have a good opinion of each other, assume the best of each other, and insha’Allah you will avoid a lot of problems.

Ja’far Ibn Ahmad said: 'If you hear anything you do not like about your brother, then seek one excuse for him to seventy excuses, if you find any then all perfect praise be to Allah, otherwise say 'It might be that he has an excuse which I do not know about.'

Allah Most High commanded us: “O you who believe! Shun much doubt; for lo! some doubt is sinful.” [Qur’an, 49.12]

Now that you are married, what harms one of you, harms the other, and what benefits one of you, benefits the other.  Help each other, and help each other in helping other people.  The Prophet said "Whoever removes a worldly grief from a believer, Allah will remove from him one of the griefs of the Day of Judgment" [Sahih Muslim]. And if you help others, Allah Most High will help you.

I leave you with this advice. When you encounter hard times, look towards the Qur’an and the life of the Prophet (Sallallahu alaihi wa sallam) together since they contain the best of examples and cover all types of situations, especially of mercy, compassion and love. And seek the guidance of righteous scholars to help you if you can’t understand something.

May Allah Most High put barakah and happiness in your lives, marriage, families and grant you all jannatul firdaws, Ameen.

Please remember me in your du’as as I am in much need of them.