Muslim Characters part 3- Muslim Lion Comedy

The Hidden Muslim- no one knows he's Muslim. He keeps a low profile is paranoid and doesn't pray, in case he's found out and arrested by the MIA (Muslim intelligence agency). He says 'don't call me Mohammed, call me Mo'. 

The Cultural- wears hijab for cultural reasons, often awra (like legs or chest, or even hair showing). She says 'Islam is in the heart, not about praying, even if I hate other people'. This though the Prophet said "'Islam is that you witness that there is no god but Allah and that Muhammad (SAW) is the Messenger of Allah, and you establish the prayer, and you give the Zakat, and you fast Ramadan, and you perform the hajj of the House if you are able to take a way to it." (Muslim)

Jumu'ah in snow Kazakhstan

The boss- orders everyone around and expects to be followed, as if he's divinely ordained as the boss. He says 'Zayd sweep the prayer hall, Mo kill the coakroaches, sisters clean the kitchen'!

The old- seems to have been at university since the uni opened. He never seems to finish his PhD, or seems to do many PhDs and degrees. He says 'back in the days, I was the only Muslim, I worked hard to make this prayer hall and then you come and make it dirty!'

The charitable- seems to be involved in every charity project and initiative. Its basically his life, and he has a big heart and sincere concern. He says 'are you coming to the save the palestinians protest? The Muslims need help too! And so do the pandas, and the little muffin women, and the refugees, and the Kashmiris, and the fairies! Ah so much to do!'

The political- much concerned about the modern political climate and wants to peacefully change things. He says' the kuffar have enslaved the Muslims, we must save the Muslims, free free Muslims!'

The worshipful- whenever he is seen, he is praying. A watcher asks 'how does he still manage to come first in his class?'

The da'ee (inviter to Islam)- really enthusiastic about the religion and wants to give everyone the chance to experience the peace and beauty of Islam, and save them from hell. He says 'you can get everything you can dream and wish for, if you just obey Allah in Islam. How many brothers and sisters do you have? only 2, ah! You can have 1.3 billion!'

The superficial- focuses too much on appearance, putting lots of make up and perfume whilst neglecting purification of the heart. She says 'how do I look today? Don't I look awesome, such that you want intensify your gaze in front of me?'.  This though the Qur'an says "Adorn not yourselves with the adornment of the Time of Ignorance." (Qur'an, 33:33)

The competitive- copies and tries to beat whatever everyone else has done. He says 'oh he climbed ben nevis? I'm going to climb 3 mountains in a day now'

The doubter- has extensive doubts about Islam and life, and tries to confuse others. People wonder why he hasn't committed suicide. He says 'there's no proof for our existence'.

The confused- doesn't know what to follow. He says 'why can't Islam be black and white, like art?  

The nasheed wannabe- tries to impress girls by forming a nasheed boy band and opting to give the adhaan in a nasheedy, beautiful voice. Randomly busts tunes when girls come, such as “you can take meee, but you can’t eat meeee, yah!”

Muslim Characters part 2- Muslim Lion Comedy

The desperate single- always asking for references of other people and stalking facebook for their marriage status. He says ' do you know anyone looking for marriage, will be a housewife and will never work? Why is everyone married but me?'

The aunty- the student who has connections and tries to get everyone married, but has a 0 success rate, apart from having found a spouse for herself. She says 'did you see that guy? He's single and cute, he's going to be a doctor you know, amazing kids he's going to have. Why not him? Oh you're so picky!'

The Women-a-phobic- gets really tense, shy and red when a woman comes in the same room. He says 'omG what's that? A woman, run! She's going to explode!!!'

The extremist- holds extreme views on Islam and is the opposite extreme to the liberal extremist. Says 'why am I in this kafir uni, this whole place is haram, even the prayer hall!'

The joker- makes everyone laugh, and laughs at everything. He says 'why did the man cross the road? To get to his 4 wives hahaha you et it? Max 4 wives... Argh never mind, you’re one of the damn feminists!'

The music addict- is always listening to music, with headphones in his ears, even in the prayer hall, disrespecting Allah. He says 'music is my food food food fooooooood (in high pitch)'. A brother says 'drugs are a druggies’ food too, you're an addict'. The Prophet said: “On the day of Resurrection, Allah will pour molten lead into the ears of whoever sits listening to a songstress” (Recorded by Ibn Asakir & Ibn al-Misri).

The gossiper- keeps spreading rumours, talks and backbites a lot even in the prayer hall. She says 'did you know Bilal loves Ruby and secretly dating? I can tell because he asked her 'do you need help with that heavy bag? Its a code for 'shall I take your bag and we can go for another date?”. This despite the Prophet saying (note that the Qur’an talks about backbiting people being like eating flesh) "When I ascended through the heavens, I passed by some people holding copper nails with which they were gouging their faces and chests. I said, 'Who are these, Jibril?' He said, 'Those are the people who consumed people's flesh and attacked their honour.'" [Abu Dawud]

The all-in-one- one who has all the good qualities. If its a guy, then all the girls love him and even say 'I wish men could marry more than one, then he could marry us all hehe!'

The bid'a-basher- only knows two languages. The language of shirk, and the language of bid'a. Fumes seem to come out of him, as if he's in hell. He says 'bid'a, shirk, bid'a, shirkkkkkk,” and huffs and puffs away!

The dumb- people wonder how he got into the university and life. How does he manage to cross the road every day? He says 'I'm going to fail this degree, going to come as the worst student ever!'

The strong- is the strongest brother or sister. Girls ofen ask "ooowh what dates have you been eating?"

The kid- still hasn't gotten over video games and cartoons. He says 'assassins creed 11 is coming out tomorrow, I'm going to queue now at 12 am. Pray salatul haajah for me that I get the game peeps!'

The freshie- always leaves the toilet as if he did ghusl (shower) there. He says 'wagoneeeee brooooo. Where's the halal chicks? Or can you only slaughter chickens?'

Water banned in Toilets? - Muslim Lion Comedy

Bradistan-  Large protests have erupted in Muslim cities of United Villages, because water has been banned from toilets and from the corresponding washrooms. Some people have died from not going to the toilet for days.

The president, Mr Cameroon said “Muslims have been using water to clean themselves in the toilet, yet have spilt water everywhere. Also such water was hazardous as it had traces of coca cola because Muslims were using coke bottles for the toilet. In one incident, a guy got his foot stuck in the sink of an airplane, and olive oil was used to remove his foot. Why can’t Muslims leave cleaning themselves when using the toilet?”

A Muslim, Mr Gora Kaan said “first the ban on minarets, then halal meat, and now the ban on water so we can't do wudu? What Islamophobia! Of course real Muslims don’t use coke bottles, its Zionist of course!”

Another Muslim, Mr Lazy said “wicked! I can now just do tayammum, no need to do wudu because water is banned!”

Some protests have turned violent as some angry Muslims have been going around burning effigies of toilet seats and converting all toilet seats into squat seats. One protestor said “if we can’t use water, then we can't go to the toilet, so we converted them into squat seats, now no one can go!”.

 Squat Toilet

Other Muslims have turned to using Karachi Cola (KC) as toilet bottles, since it is a Muslim company. The owner of KC commented “it leads to a boost in our sales, so we don’t mind. After all, we should support Muslim businesses, like the Zionists support their own community right? We’ve even made a special type of toilet bottle. It combines three bottles into one, for those who can’t leave the toilet to refill. Plus it has triple the power! I know Muslims are bad at technology, but we're really innovative in toiletry matters. I mean look at the non-Muslims, they just have been using toilet paper for the last few centuries, but we've had various types of bottles, glass jugs and water pipes.”

 KC Bottle

A non-Muslim, Miss Door Keys said “pity water is banned. I’ve always been curious how the hijabis do wudu with their hijab on. I mean how can they put water in their ears or hair, if they have to wear hijab all the time? Do they just dip their whole head into a tub of water like you dip chips into a barbeque dip?”

Another non-Muslim, Mr Dow Jones said “I know that we spit and gargle in the sink, but why do Pakdor people wash their feet in the sink? They leave hairs from their hairy feet in it, so gross and a health hazard!”

Sheikh Saheeh commented “Muslims really need to do dawah through their words and actions. We should be clean people, make sure the toilets are clean and in a state that other people can. The Prophet said “cleanliness is a part of faith/Iman”. The Prophet also didn’t waste much water, since water is a blessing. Many people don’t even have water to drink, yet we waste water for excessive wudu."

"But obviously Muslims should clean themselves with water, when using the toilet. Otherwise their salah can be invalid if they don’t remove the impurity. But remember the good side, Muslims have prided themselves for not having to spend millions of pounds in government hygiene programs to promote washing hands after using the toilet, since we follow the Prophet.”"

Halal? International Lions Day- Muslim Lion Comedy

Narnia- lions in the country have taken to the forest, demanding that there be an 'international lions day' and said that it is halal to do. They argue that they have to raise awareness of many snow wolves killing innocent lions.


'Its a genocide. They even take the Muslim lions and shave their beards off. We know its haram to shave the hair in the jaw since it forms the beard. The Prophet said "Be different from the polytheists: let your beards grow full and shorten your moustaches.” (Bukhari). Its the ultimate Islamophobia!' one lion called 'Asad' claimed. 


The problems started when the bionist wolves encroached upon the forest and massacred many lions and made the lions refugees as they kicked the lions from their homes, and  pushed others to a 10 metre wide forest area, with no access to water, whilst constructing an enclosing wall. The bionists said that the lions need no water, since they can just do wudu by licking themselves.


The oppression and inferiority complex has meant that hijabi lions have become an almost exitinct species. The lionesses look towards their oppressors as a more civilised and developed species, so are adopting their ways. They think that changing the dress will change their scientific advancement as the lions have been stuck in the same technology for centuries.


The lions also complain that wolves don't value their life as equals. Whole villages of lions have been destroyed just because a few lion cubs roared at the wolves. Then the wolves came with their sledges and wiped out many innocent lions in the snowy UK type summer.






Mr Netanyoohoo said 'the life of a lion is worth less than the life of a wolf. But even then, we have never killed a single lion without a valid treason. We have evidence that secretly every single one of them wanted to harm us. Even though the lions may only have claws to fight, we know they all are trying to pursue nuclear weapons to balance our nukes. But now that we've subjugated them, hakuna matata (no worries!)'


However the lions of Narnia have not helped their own situation since they just lie around, smoking shisha and watching sports all day and when attacked, can't run because they cough from their smoke.


Lions and animals outside of Narnia have refused to take sides, with the king of Mordan saying 'we can never know which party is innocent. There's always two sides to the story, even if baby lions are killed by the wolves.' Yet they were spotted arming the wolves with sophisticated sledges. Also the other lions have refused to give refuge to other lions on the nationality basis that they don't belong to the 'pride land'. This is despite the fact that the Prophet said "“The Muslim Ummah is like one body. If the eye is in pain then the whole body is in pain and if the head is in pain then the whole body is in pain”"


The lions of Narnia have threatened to take the case to the UA (United Animals) to resolve the issue but the president of the snakes, Mrs Clinton Cards said 'the situation should be solved through negotiation of the two parties. Going to the UA will only worsen the situation and discourage peace since it will give lions some power. They can't be kings again and start opening up halal butchers everywhere, then we'll have no animals left. After all, all animals are halal in the shari'a of lions'

Some people tried to discredit the Khalifa Lion by saying that he's a Christian in disguise. They base it on the story that Lion sacrificed himself for the community's sins. However Lion refuted them saying 'this is only a fake conspiracy theory propagated by the bionist CS Lewis and done by a look-a-like. I didn't die at all.'

The Boy with Girly Powers- Muslim Lion Comedy

Pakdor- news has arrived of a boy called “Freshie” with new powers, the like of legends from times far far away. Our reporter Mr Lelaki Monyet has more.

Initially the boy raised eyebrows when he would get 100 percent in all his exams and convert everyone to hijabis. About exams, some thought he was cheating because he was the student, the one everyone hates because he'd rarely show up to lectures or do any work, yet do amazing in exams. However it was discovered that in dreams, nights before the exam, he would see the exam questions and answers, and go to girls' dreams and ask them to become hijabis. He said that he just trusts in Allah swt, and He gives to him.

His parents are displeased however because he didn't take 50 GCSEs, so couldn't get 50 A*****'s.  They said “the neighbours had 50 gcses combined but our son is worth more than them all!”.

The MSIA (Mat Sale Intelligence Association) has assumed that the boy gets his power from THE golden ring, and have tried to assassinate him. The head of MIA, Mr Mama said " the boy knew the future and didn't inform the MSIA about the Mushroom 11 attacks before they occurred. But they failed in assassinating him as he knew our plans already. We are dealing with a well coordinated network of evil kids-next-door".

The Mushroom extremists

Meanwhile Evil-land president Netanyoohoo said  “Mr Freshie should be bombed because he is secretly planning to make nuclear weapons. Proof is that he is Muslim and his knowledge is the knowledge of secrets.”

But the boy refuted them, saying “I am a pious and peaceful Muslim and gold is haram for males. People convert because of the miracles Allah has given me, and by the manners I have.”

Freshie has been approached by many girls for dates and being girlfriends but he declined and said he knew the future and that they would cheat on him. One girl said “I want to date him because he's got a priceless ring and I want to stop him from throwing it in the volcanoe of Pakdor. Plus I can sunbathe near the heat of the volcanoe and become tanned if he takes me there. But I do worry about his hairy feat, I heard Pakdor people are very hairy.”


A Pakistani girl however commented 'why go Pakdor to become brown when you can just go Pakistan? I told you, the Pakistani skin colour beautiful. If you want to be Westernised, then remember the white girls want to become Asianised! So be proud of your own skin'

However he said  “once I was tempted by a pretty looking girl. But then I saw that her make up wore off in the rain and I realised that she was a gay guy! Even one time I got asked by 5 different girls, but then I caught one of them transforming, and I realised that it was a jinn trying to marry me! So I read Ayat al-Kursi and she melted on the spot. I guess jinns and girls can’t resist my cuteness, I beat Dustbin Beeber any day masha’Allah!”


Another girl “Lovegood” said 'I just want to date him so I can ask him 'look into my eyes and tell me what you can see'.”

The boy is actually humble and said “an intelligent, reliable and religious girl would ask for marriage, not do haram through dating and relationships. The Prophet said: "there are seven whom Allah will shade in His Shade on the Day when there is no shade except His Shade... a youth who grew up in the worship of Allah,..a man who is called by a woman of beauty and position [for illegal intercourse], but be says: 'I fear Allah'"  ”



An atheist philosopher Dr Bert Brussels said previously “the boy just guessed the answers.This is all the myth of religion, science knows everything.”

But when the boy told Bert about his secret cravings for muffin men, and his secret life as the evil Penguin man, he converted to Islam and admitted that Freshie gets his knowledge from Allah. Since then, Ran has converted his mad scientist personality to trying to make a Slipperenstein, a robot that protects slippers from being stolen at the Masjid by evil people.

Muslim Characters part 1- Muslim Lion Comedy

You get many different types of people in the ISOC (Islamic Society) or MSA. Here’s a list of some (note that when I say "he/him", it also applies to "she/her", I'm just lazy):

The owl (scowler)- whenever he sees a person sin, like drink, he scowls at them, s/he then says 'that's haram, you're not going to get that in Jannah now, I will forever drink pure, amazing, non-intoxicating wine in front of you, that's gonna be my wish and you’ll want it for eternity and never get it muhahaha”. Or if the person commits adultery, s/he will say “ah, you’ll never get beautiful companion in Jannah, and you’ll drooooool over mine for infinite time in Jannah! But if you sincerely repent and never do it again, Allah Most High is Most Merciful”

The silent one- never says salams or anything, just comes to pray and disappears like a jinn. A sociable person sees him and says 'Salamu alaikum, salams, salaaaaams, why you no say SALAMS!'

The liberal- one who parties, and thinks everything is halal in the religion. Only comes to isoc events that involve meeting girls or going on outdoor trips. He randomly appears to a Muslim girl and says 'Hey did you see me rave last night? I was a bare waste mannnn!'

The humble- doesn't take credit for anything and doesn't go for any leadership positions and thinks no one will marry him. He thinks low of himself, and says 'don't call me bro, call me 'no one''

The arrogant- he loves to think he's always right and boasts a lot. He says 'I prayed 100 raka'ats in 2 mins, did you see? I bet no one can do that!' Another replies 'the Prophet commanded to pray with your prostrations etc done properly and with khushu. The Prophet said "“When you go to pray, say takbeer, then recite whatever you can of the Qur’aan. Then bow until you are at ease in bowing, then rise until you are standing up straight. Then prostrate until you are at ease in prostration, then sit up until you are at ease in sitting. Then do that throughout the entire prayer" (Bukhari)"

The knowledgeable- has solutions to almost all the world's problems and knows deep and complex things others haven't even thought of. He says 'the istiwa ayaat are mutashaabihaat. Only the karramiyya take it at dhahir. We do tafwid al-ma'na and that is the way of the Ash'aris and the Maturidis and the Salaf. They are the Ahlus Sunnah'

The sporty- has no life except in sports. He says 'did you watch the 10 footie games yesterday? Even pakhtunkhwa played against selangor. It was funny watching them play without shoes!'

The pervert- thinks the Islamic command is to heighten your gaze, is always near girls or at girly events, particularly charity events where no brothers turn up. You see him trying to eliminate segregation of the genders. He says' 'you are my sister, we're all big family, so we're all mahram, its halal for me to touch you'. A sister replies “no, mahrams are those you can’t marry. So you can’t touch me. The Prophet said “better for a Believer to be struck in the head with a hot iron rod than to touch a woman who is not lawful for him. [Tabarani]. Obviously the sin for a woman touching a non-mahram is similar”

The nerd- always in his books. Goes to no socials and wears the same clothes like a uniform. He says 'can you follow this Qur'anic maths miracle:
1) List all the chapter numbers of the book 

2) Sum the 1st point. You get 6555

3) List the number of verses for each corresponding chapter. 

4) Sum the 3rd point. You get 6236

5) Add each chapter number with the corresponding number of verses
6) Put the even results of 5th point in one column and the odd in another
7) Sum each column of 6th point. You get 6236 and 6555"

The finger (pointer)- blames isoc for everything, but does nothing himself at all. He says 'why did the isoc not organise more socials and talks? What do you exec do all day? Have chappli kebab or durian?'. An exec says 'I've never seen you in any isoc event, you should help, we're short of volunteers. We also have to study you know. The Prophet said: “The garden (paradise) is the obligatory reward of anyone at whose hands someone becomes Muslim.” (Tabarani kabir 786)

The Spouse-fier, solution to marriage! - Muslim Lion Comedy

The Spouse-fier

With the rising problem of Muslim divorces, the CPMC has come up with a relationship saving product called the “spouse-fier”.

One satisfied customer said “I dated 500 people and they were all worthless, but then I thought I’d do it the halal way, and bought the spouse-fier, and it got me a perfect person! I don’t have to have my heart broken 500 times, ah the benefits of staying halal”

It works by being the super-aunt. It instantly wirelessly communicates with all the aunties in the world, and gets their information in regards to potential spouses. It is even equipped with the truth detector, so it ditches 90% of what all aunts say.

Then it matches the most suitable person with the customer. It even has a special scanner that gives the facial picture of the person as s/he really is, without all the make-up. That has angered many women who were using white wedding cakes as make up, to look white.

To compromise with the aunties who would have suffered large job losses, spouse-fier is also used as part of a marriage assessment centre. It is for people who want the job of a husband or wife.

Obviously the candidates CV is scrutinised to check for a romantic or elegant writing style. Then each spouse candidate is interviewed and given a grilling in cooking techniques of roti and biryani (the food depends on the preferences of the person being sought for marriage, this person is called the “client”).

 The candidate is then tested by being given a baby to look after and deal with for 60 mins. This shows patience, caring, and parenting skills. After that, the candidate’s patience and character is tested by slippers being thrown at him/her. Then the picture of what the client will look in 20 years time is shown, to see if the candidate is just a superficial person.  Then the candidate’s loyalty is tested by bringing in a more handsome or beautiful celebrity who says s/he can marry the candidate. After that, if it is a guy, then he will have to sing a nasheed and if he’s really bad, then the lights will be switched off.

All the while, in this full 8 hours assessment centre, the candidate is observed to see if s/he prays and is religious and whether s/he lowers the gaze.  After all, a person is responsible for the guidance of the family. The Prophet (SAW) said: "All of you are shepherds and each of you is responsible for his flock. A man is the shepherd of the people of his house and he is responsible. A woman is the shepherd of the house of her husband and she is responsible.” (Bukhari).  S/he is also observed for the time taken to do wudu, since it correlates with how much s/he cares about the environment (more water, more wastage).

Scholars of the "fiqh al-aqliyat" (fiqh of minorities) have issued a fatwa that those who can't afford a spouse-fier are entitled to zakat due to the extensive need and life-saving ability of the technology.

In related matters, a scientific study of the spouse-fier’s results showed a link between religiosity and perverts and disloyalty. It was found that as a person’s religiosity decreased, his/her pervert habits and disloyalty increased.

However CPMC is in the middle of a law suit involving negligence due to its hajjware. Old people did not understand how to operate the “shoot the shaytan” button, so firing went all over the place, injuring millions of people.

One angry Muslim commented “this is the work of the free masons, they founded CPMC, have you seen the money they use? Its got the eye of dajjal!”

Alhamdulillah tote that I also published this article in Rutger MSA's website:
http://www.wix.com/rutgersmsa/blog#!__columns/vstc2=guest/vstc12=article-3

Protests at Isle of Snowybabies- Muslim Lion Comedy

Isle of Snowybabies- protests have started over a number of issues, including the opening up of a new McDonalds in the Muslim island.

One resident complained 'this is the plan of the west, they want to make our people obese so that we can never win in football. The Muslims are already obese enough that their shorts can't even cover the awra in sports. So when Muslims sin, how do they expect to win? Sin and win come from the opposite root words, and are opposites! Every Muslim has to cover their private parts (awra), for men its between the knee and navel, for women its everything except hands, face and feet. If you cover your bumb, then you have to cover the rest of your awra'
Another protester said 'I'm protesting because I've been waiting for years for halal McDonalds, and just like most Muslims, they said they'd open up 5 years ago with the emphasis on the word “INSHA'ALLAH”, but they're opening up now, soo late! I understand there’s PST, but we can only have MST (Muslim Standard Time) once we make something of ourselves.”

“I, as a Muslim man, have learnt how to make burgers myself now. Now every girl will want to marry me! Anyways why can't Muslims keep their word and timing? If you don't have the intention to come, then don't insult Allah by saying insha'Allah. Don't lie with Allah's name. The Prophet was the most truthful and punctual of people. The Prophet said (Sallallahu alaihi wa sallam), "Truthfulness leads to piety and piety leads to the Garden.'
The head of McDonalds, Mr Art Attack said 'we got voted in, so its a democratic decision, the majority of people are obese and have decided for more disease causing food. If you have to die, die with something you enjoy right?'
However a protester Mr HT (hitman) replied 'voting is haram, McDonalds has started with haram, so everyone who goes there becomes haram!'
Sheikh Saheeh replied 'in Islamic history, Caliph Abu Bakr was elected by votes and ruled by Islam. And the protest date decision was decided by votes. So Mr HT is haram anyways'
In the mean time, Dr Maha Tea told the press 'I am fully qualified to give verdicts in Islam and history. None of the sahaba or Prophets or Islamic empires ruled by Islamic law. Its made up by lawyers'
When a sane person in the audience asked 'but there is the authentic document of the constitution of Medinah by the Prophet which obliges Islamic law in government, and the Quran clearly says the adulterer is punished, and the Bible and Torah say that adulterers are punished. The Islamic law is the most effective in providing safety and protecting from crime.The modern criminal system in the world has mostly failed, jails have failed to reform criminals'
Dr Maha replied 'well they're all wrong, I'm getting direct visions from God!'
The sheep followers of Dr Maha have criticised the questioner, saying that he had no right to refute him, and can't stop the freedom of Dr Maha to express his views.
When challenged to a debate by a scholar, Dr Maha replied 'I don't need to debate, my PhD, 'doctorrrrrr' title just shows I am right. So I'm not a coward or afraid of being wrong. I know more than God, He has no PhD!'

This is not the first time Dr Maha has been controversial, previously he argued that lions should be jailed for murder and polygamy, that Muslims should worship Kant and Western law with Maha as a Prophet, and that tea was invented by fiqh scholars and hence should be banned in the island.
He has also been known to limit Islamic knowledge by restricting the freedom of scholars, like in Friday khutbas. That shows his real respect for freedom.

Swine flu victims turn into pigs!- Muslim Lion Comedy

Fundone- It has recently been discovered by scientists that swine flu actually metamorphoses the victims into pigs. Our reporter Makhi Phalwaan(our previous reporter Jalal Suyuti has been kidnapped by the wicked wizard of the CNP[Chimps National Party] called Nick Muffins for being a human) has the most up to date scientific information in this epidemic.

It was all found out when a bunch of 20 swine flu victims were being monitored in the Medical School of Queen’s College for 1 year and at the end of the period, had transformed into pigs. One doctor, Cranes Whatson who witnessed the ill described what happened “firstly we noticed that these guys started imitating the behaviour of pigs, then had internal organs like them and finally fully turned into pigs. Now we know that every H1N1 person will turn into a pig unless something is done”.

Local residents have complained about nothing having been done in the early stages of the illness when behaviour had changed but one psychiatrist, Sigs Mum who witnessed this said “well we thought its just schizophrenia whilst naturally the local Christian priests thought its demonic possession, so we all tried everything”.

Swine flu is spreading fast but one leading evolutionist, Richnerd Stawkins has however warned the people saying “this is just evolution, after all, we are one of the closest species to pigs genetically. It just needed a few random mutations and presto, you get a human evolving into a pig!” But when asked how evolution can favour it since it only favours beneficial mutations, he replied “well obviously it gives major benefits like you can drink your own urine so you don’t need much water, thus natural selection favours people turning into pigs, there’s no doubt that this is why evolution is so true and anyone who doesn’t accept this evidence is a creationist, oink oink!”

One Muslimah biologist, Janwar Aurat said “just a short while ago the journal Science(July 2009, pg 140-141) reported that pigs were a special species as they could combine different strains of flues from different species and transmit them to other species but now we find out that it even turns them to pigs and it all started off by some sinner eating a pig. This is why you shouldn’t eat pork, what a miracle! SubhanAllah!”

The president of Anypt, Christmas Mubarak has spoken out against his critics saying “see all those north-westernised people who were complaining about why we were killing those pigs, they knew all along that they’d turn into pigs so they didn’t want us to try train to fight pigs, in case we invade the Northwest and kill them!”

In the mean time, the world’s supply of fresh pork has rapidly fallen as pig farmers and butchers have literally joined the herd due to swine flu. Demand has also fallen as the Pope, Thirteenth David sparked controversy by declaring pork unlawful to eat due to it being cannibalism. When asked why it would be cannibalism, he replied “these pigs are a mix of three in one, pigs, humans’ souls and pig-human hybrids”. The leading Hindu priest Sham A Lot concurred “you just can’t eat living things, whether plants, bacteria or whatever, they’re all god”.

However the president of William Foundation, Eddy Notagoodguy has struck against those who declare pork haram saying “they’re just extremists, all the verses declaring pork haram are metaphorical, they only refer to the haramness of acting like pigs” but a Sheikh Saheeh said “you can only interpret the Qur’an if you have the necessary scholarly training and you have to use the rules of interpretation according to the Islamic rules, otherwise you can interpret it according to your whims, Eddy falls in the latter”.

A Puristani Maulvi, Pak Naqi has commented “we just found out that this flu only effects the kuffar and those Muslims who don’t pray, so Alhamdulillah we are all safe, now we can dominate the world with peace, happiness and halal food!”

Note- For each laugh please pay £1 in the form of a cheque, addressed to “All Lions are Muslims Plc”. ML also does not accept any liability for anything that may be deemed offensive in any way or for cheques bouncing or for people thinking that this article is real.

Written by Muslim Lion(ML)

Green aliens in Mars- Muslim Lion Humour

Mars Bars- a new alien species has been found by the astronauts that landed on Mars. It has already created shock waves amongst some belief systems, Ghayr Insan has more on this.

“The first thing the astronauts saw when landing on the moon is a bunch of green people.  The aliens were crowding around their King, a human looking person, sitting on a throne, playing playstation 3. 

Mr Nick Muffins of the CNP has commented "see the green aliens, they're Muslims. I told you the Muslims want to dominate the UK, they've even dominated Mars!" 

In other impacts, different religionists claim that it proves their religious beliefs. One Christian scholar said “the Bible says God is a human looking figure, with hands, feet, a mouth, a bumb etc, sitting on a throne above the Earth, and leaving 4 handspan gap on the throne. And he’s controlling the universe through that PS3. This is exactly what we see in the video of the alien King. That is our god. For centuries scientists have been saying “we haven’t found god, so he doesn’t exist”, but now we can say “science has proven God, in your face Richard Dorkins!”

However a Muslim scholar said “God does not literally sit on a throne, nor have hands or feets or bumb and other  things that humans have. God is not a body, nor a limited being, nor is He in a location or direction. The Prophet said about God "You are the Outwardly Manifest (dhahir) so there is nothing above You, and You are the Inwardly Hidden (batin) so there is nothing below You.” We consign the meaning of verses that talk about God's attributes, to God, and remember there is nothing like Him. Clearly the scientists won’t believe in God if they see a person just like them and has no clear powers. They might as well worship superman. In fact, the USA has found out that an astronaut arrived in Mars earlier and stayed, so this must be him.” 

In the meantime the human race has been preparing various gifts for the alien species. The Muslims have come up with a bunch of Ramadan eggs. One producer said “we want to do dawah to the alien race, and Easter eggs are soo tasty, so we came up with Ramadan eggs. It just shows Muslims have such a fine cuisine!”

On the other hand, reports have come that a Pakdor woman astronaut has fallen in love with an alien and the alien produced a child within a day. The woman said “I was born aliensexual, I can’t stop my natural feelings.” Pakdor aunties however were out in arms with slippers saying “the kids will not be white, they will be dark, and cannot become doctors. Who will marry them then!” On the other extreme, alien rights activists were petitioning for the legalisation of human-alien marriages. One activist, Mr Deviant said “humans should have total freedom over their bodies, no can prohibit any sexual relationships”

Sheikh Saheeh commented “sexual relationships outside of marriage of the human male-female bond are prohibited by God. The proofs are clear as the Prophet only allowed marriage between man and woman, and prohibited all other types of marriages. There’s ijma/consensus of Muslim scholars that a person can’t have sexual relationships with non-humans, including animals. And the Prophet commanded following the ijma. Furthermore Mr Deviant is wrong, pedophilia is prohibited by those same rights activists even though pedophiles are attracted to kids, so he can’t claim total freedom.” 

Couch Potatoes Muslim Corporation - Muslim Lion Comedy

Makkah- The Couch Potatoes Muslim Corporation (CPMC) has announced plans for new technology to help Hajjis complete their hajj in the least action possible way. One product is the Hajjware.

The head of CPMC, Jonathan Gori describes the innovation “basically it’s a high tech chair that runs around the Ka’ba as the user sits comfortably and it helps in all the hajj rituals. For example in the stoning the Devil part, you just aim the fire button and it automatically fires 7 numbers of small stones. It even transforms into a bed for times out of the tent and chants the “labbayk” for you via its speaker.” 
"It compliments our Wii hajj, which basically simulates the hajj and allows you to do hajj from wherever you are, and allows you to train and become fit enough. You can even box up the shaytan in our Muslimised Wii boxing pack"

 A "hajji" beating up shaytan

CPMC has been a hit since its launch in the early 21st century, it’s potential market is 99% of Muslims and compliments the aim to make Islamic attractions a lucrative business with big sky scrapers and 5 star hotels at Holy Sites. 
CPMC also has achieved a hit via the online market since it started selling the “I don’t care about Muslims (IDCAM)” software. It blocks all emails and stalkbook invitations to help charities and other Islamic causes from the computer. One satisfied Muslim customer remarked “I used to get a stupid invitation every week like one where I was asked to donate a £1 for an orphan but then the IDCAM came and it saved my life!” 
The latest project of CPMC involves making an android (Salahoid) that prays for you. Jonathan said "we know that many Muslims don't do salah/prayer or make any effort in things, but they want to earn the reward of salah and go to Jannah without any effort, so we decided, what if we make an android that prays? Then the lazy Muslim can buy it, and earn the reward of the android doing worship!"

Prototype of Salahoid as a Shia

Mr GCSE, a liberal/modernist, who thinks he is qualified in Islam because he studied Islam in GCSE commented "Muslim scholars today are backwards, they need to move with the times and technology. Islam is about ease and science, of course we can get androids to do our salah and we don't need to do salah now. Besides, many Muslims can't prostrate, because they've become halalmacs now. The Prophet didn't address this issue because there were no androids at the time"
Sheikh Saheeh commented "why is it that Muslims can't make anything? The non-Muslims are making all this hajjware etc technology. Besides, an android made by a non-Muslim, is a non-Muslim, so its salah is not valid. Plus the Salahoid is not Sunni, see how the Salahoid prays on his sides! Also just like it isn't sufficient if you dedicate a child to pray for you, an android won't do any good. The Prophet laid down the framework for ijtihad and Islamic rulings, and its clear by qiyas, that the salah of the android is not valid. It also has no soul!
People need to respect scholars and follow them, since they have knowledge of the complexities of Islamic law and various evidences, and Allah swt commanded it ""O you believe, obey God and obey the messenger and those with authority among you" (Qur'an 4:59). Sayyidina Ibn Abbas said that those in authority refers to the scholars of Islam. Also the Prophet said "“Scholars are the inheritors of the prophets.” (Tirmidhi)""

NB- Muslim Lion accepts no legal responsibility for people ordering the IDCAM from ebay or for being liable to the Sale of Goods Act 1979 or for people believing such things. Nor is the fatwa of an android praying, a real fatwa.

New Dawah Technique- Muslim Lion Comedy

 (Muslimachu)

Narnia- our reporter Bandar Wala has breaking news that Islam has become the fastest growing religion, and he discovered why.

There is a new dawah technique called 'marry a celebrity' which dealt the blow to the evil doctrines of Darth Vader and brought people into the light of Islam with the force of love..
We interviewed one recent convert with the new Muslim name "iluvu sami", who had this to say "'I was just walking along the highstreet, thinking about who is the cutest guy and how I wanna marry one, when a guy with a white dress shouted 'who wants to marry a celebrity?'. And he started showing a picture of a guy I've never seen. He was soo handsome, and I was like 'who's that? I wanna marry him:DDD'. He told me its Sami Yusuf, and told me I can have him if I convert to Islam, and go to paradise. After all, I can have whatever I want right? Dream come true! So I said the shahada. All I wanna do now is approach Sami Yusuf and tell him 'you're mine foreverrrrr!. But seriously, why didn't my Muslim friends tell me about this, and about Islam? Imagine if I went hell and was surrounded by ugly pervs for eternity. Why didn't the Muslims say there'll be more women in jannah than men? That's women power! "

We interviewed a da'i (caller to Islam) called 'Amza Yusuf' about his thoughts. 'Well we saw how the people were being misguided by the haram of celebrities, so we thought, why don't we use celebrities in a good way? It first started off when my friends started telling girls that they could marry Johnny Depp. And they pointed to me, because I'm the muslim version of johnny depp. So I got 4 girls to convert and marry me. Some even thought that I was Johnny Depp, and that Johnny Depp had converted to Islam. They even asked if I was a real Muslim and had abandoned my haram relationships.
But then we realised there's not many muslim celebrity look-a-likes that are so sincere that they'd marry for dawah. So we thought, people can marry celebrities in jannah!"

 (Amza Yusuf and Johnny Depp)

And for guys, Amza had an idea too:
"And for all those guys who can't have Britney Spears and Whitney Houston, then they can wish for their look-a-likes in heaven. Don't need to go for impure people in this world then, when you can have pure, faithful, beautiful people in Jannah. And they won't break up with you after a day too! I tell dumb guys that when they see a really pretty girl, they should lower their gaze and avoid desire. Because obviously they won't get that girl, so they should just do good deeds, so they'll get that girl in jannah. I told you this religion is about love. We're saving people, one halal relationship at a time "

I asked but what about those people who aren't interested in celebrities, like those that just play games or watch cartoons all day? 
He said 'well we said that they can have a dragon ball z or sumurai jack or powerpuff girls or sailor moon powers in jannah, and have the good characters there too. Although they'd all be hijabi though. But who wouldn't want to be a hero and make their own story? Imagine being able to teleport in a sec, or kamehamaha things! And you can't even die woohoo! You're like the ultimate good guy. But what is soo sick is that, you can wish for pokemons too! Be a pokemon master, get your Charizards and Mewtwo and any pokemon, and you can start off with them, you don't need to work hard and train them from the start, when they're useless unevolved forms. And you won't get that team rocket that keep trying to ruin things and kidnap pokemons,they'd have no hands because of theft. So Islam appeals to everyone you know. Although I don't know about Freeza or Mojojojo being there, they'll be in hell probably because of their shirk and evilness as they called themselves Lord and complex names. If you want to be Freeza or Mojojojo, then obviously you deserve to be in hell, because you're an evil person, a terrorist."




And he had another idea too:
"But for those people who love 'X-factor' and "Ummah got talent", and want to win it, we invented a "Paradise got talent" idea, a halal idea without the haram music and naked ugly women. We got all sorts of people coming, and we asked them for what they want in life, and normally they were like "we want amazing voices and amazing dance moves". Obviously they had crap voices and lame dance moves, and would never reach that stage of amazingness, so we told them they can have that, but only if they become Muslim and thus go to Jannah. You can get the best of voices and dances skills in Jannah."

But some people were still very hostile to Islam. WDL (weirdos defence league) members protested outside the former Church that was converted to a nikah hall. WDL leader Mr Bad Muffins was interviewed on the rise of Islam and said "the Muslims are taking over the world, they even took over the media, that's why Yoda is Muslim dressed, is green and trying to defeat me. They had a WMD which was a green light saber. They're a menace to the world, they even converted everyone in the death star and made it look like a partial moon. That's where the moon on the minarets comes from. And don't forget that Narnia is Muslim country now, because of Caliph Lion."

However some people complained that Yoda was not a pious Muslim because he was beardless, disregarding the excuse that he could grow no beard. They even accuse him of shirk because of his saying "may the force be with you", when it should be "may Allah swt be with you".


Note- the above stories about the conversion are not real. Please do not message me about where you can find celebrity Muslim look-a-likes.