Tuesday, 6 March 2012

The Spouse-fier, solution to marriage! - Muslim Lion Comedy

The Spouse-fier

With the rising problem of Muslim divorces, the CPMC has come up with a relationship saving product called the “spouse-fier”.

One satisfied customer said “I dated 500 people and they were all worthless, but then I thought I’d do it the halal way, and bought the spouse-fier, and it got me a perfect person! I don’t have to have my heart broken 500 times, ah the benefits of staying halal”

It works by being the super-aunt. It instantly wirelessly communicates with all the aunties in the world, and gets their information in regards to potential spouses. It is even equipped with the truth detector, so it ditches 90% of what all aunts say.

Then it matches the most suitable person with the customer. It even has a special scanner that gives the facial picture of the person as s/he really is, without all the make-up. That has angered many women who were using white wedding cakes as make up, to look white.

To compromise with the aunties who would have suffered large job losses, spouse-fier is also used as part of a marriage assessment centre. It is for people who want the job of a husband or wife.

Obviously the candidates CV is scrutinised to check for a romantic or elegant writing style. Then each spouse candidate is interviewed and given a grilling in cooking techniques of roti and biryani (the food depends on the preferences of the person being sought for marriage, this person is called the “client”).

 The candidate is then tested by being given a baby to look after and deal with for 60 mins. This shows patience, caring, and parenting skills. After that, the candidate’s patience and character is tested by slippers being thrown at him/her. Then the picture of what the client will look in 20 years time is shown, to see if the candidate is just a superficial person.  Then the candidate’s loyalty is tested by bringing in a more handsome or beautiful celebrity who says s/he can marry the candidate. After that, if it is a guy, then he will have to sing a nasheed and if he’s really bad, then the lights will be switched off.

All the while, in this full 8 hours assessment centre, the candidate is observed to see if s/he prays and is religious and whether s/he lowers the gaze.  After all, a person is responsible for the guidance of the family. The Prophet (SAW) said: "All of you are shepherds and each of you is responsible for his flock. A man is the shepherd of the people of his house and he is responsible. A woman is the shepherd of the house of her husband and she is responsible.” (Bukhari).  S/he is also observed for the time taken to do wudu, since it correlates with how much s/he cares about the environment (more water, more wastage).

Scholars of the "fiqh al-aqliyat" (fiqh of minorities) have issued a fatwa that those who can't afford a spouse-fier are entitled to zakat due to the extensive need and life-saving ability of the technology.

In related matters, a scientific study of the spouse-fier’s results showed a link between religiosity and perverts and disloyalty. It was found that as a person’s religiosity decreased, his/her pervert habits and disloyalty increased.

However CPMC is in the middle of a law suit involving negligence due to its hajjware. Old people did not understand how to operate the “shoot the shaytan” button, so firing went all over the place, injuring millions of people.

One angry Muslim commented “this is the work of the free masons, they founded CPMC, have you seen the money they use? Its got the eye of dajjal!”

Alhamdulillah tote that I also published this article in Rutger MSA's website:

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