Fundone- It has recently been discovered by scientists that swine flu actually metamorphoses the victims into pigs. Our reporter Makhi Phalwaan(our previous reporter Jalal Suyuti has been kidnapped by the wicked wizard of the CNP[Chimps National Party] called Nick Muffins for being a human) has the most up to date scientific information in this epidemic.
It was all found out when a bunch of 20 swine flu victims were being monitored in the Medical School of Queen’s College for 1 year and at the end of the period, had transformed into pigs. One doctor, Cranes Whatson who witnessed the ill described what happened “firstly we noticed that these guys started imitating the behaviour of pigs, then had internal organs like them and finally fully turned into pigs. Now we know that every H1N1 person will turn into a pig unless something is done”.
Local residents have complained about nothing having been done in the early stages of the illness when behaviour had changed but one psychiatrist, Sigs Mum who witnessed this said “well we thought its just schizophrenia whilst naturally the local Christian priests thought its demonic possession, so we all tried everything”.
Swine flu is spreading fast but one leading evolutionist, Richnerd Stawkins has however warned the people saying “this is just evolution, after all, we are one of the closest species to pigs genetically. It just needed a few random mutations and presto, you get a human evolving into a pig!” But when asked how evolution can favour it since it only favours beneficial mutations, he replied “well obviously it gives major benefits like you can drink your own urine so you don’t need much water, thus natural selection favours people turning into pigs, there’s no doubt that this is why evolution is so true and anyone who doesn’t accept this evidence is a creationist, oink oink!”
One Muslimah biologist, Janwar Aurat said “just a short while ago the journal Science(July 2009, pg 140-141) reported that pigs were a special species as they could combine different strains of flues from different species and transmit them to other species but now we find out that it even turns them to pigs and it all started off by some sinner eating a pig. This is why you shouldn’t eat pork, what a miracle! SubhanAllah!”
The president of Anypt, Christmas Mubarak has spoken out against his critics saying “see all those north-westernised people who were complaining about why we were killing those pigs, they knew all along that they’d turn into pigs so they didn’t want us to try train to fight pigs, in case we invade the Northwest and kill them!”
In the mean time, the world’s supply of fresh pork has rapidly fallen as pig farmers and butchers have literally joined the herd due to swine flu. Demand has also fallen as the Pope, Thirteenth David sparked controversy by declaring pork unlawful to eat due to it being cannibalism. When asked why it would be cannibalism, he replied “these pigs are a mix of three in one, pigs, humans’ souls and pig-human hybrids”. The leading Hindu priest Sham A Lot concurred “you just can’t eat living things, whether plants, bacteria or whatever, they’re all god”.
However the president of William Foundation, Eddy Notagoodguy has struck against those who declare pork haram saying “they’re just extremists, all the verses declaring pork haram are metaphorical, they only refer to the haramness of acting like pigs” but a Sheikh Saheeh said “you can only interpret the Qur’an if you have the necessary scholarly training and you have to use the rules of interpretation according to the Islamic rules, otherwise you can interpret it according to your whims, Eddy falls in the latter”.
A Puristani Maulvi, Pak Naqi has commented “we just found out that this flu only effects the kuffar and those Muslims who don’t pray, so Alhamdulillah we are all safe, now we can dominate the world with peace, happiness and halal food!”
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Written by Muslim Lion(ML)