Narnia- our reporter Bandar Wala has breaking news that Islam has become the fastest growing religion, and he discovered why.
There is a new dawah technique called 'marry a celebrity' which dealt the blow to the evil doctrines of Darth Vader and brought people into the light of Islam with the force of love..
We interviewed one recent convert with the new Muslim name "iluvu sami", who had this to say "'I was just walking along the highstreet, thinking about who is the cutest guy and how I wanna marry one, when a guy with a white dress shouted 'who wants to marry a celebrity?'. And he started showing a picture of a guy I've never seen. He was soo handsome, and I was like 'who's that? I wanna marry him:DDD'. He told me its Sami Yusuf, and told me I can have him if I convert to Islam, and go to paradise. After all, I can have whatever I want right? Dream come true! So I said the shahada. All I wanna do now is approach Sami Yusuf and tell him 'you're mine foreverrrrr!. But seriously, why didn't my Muslim friends tell me about this, and about Islam? Imagine if I went hell and was surrounded by ugly pervs for eternity. Why didn't the Muslims say there'll be more women in jannah than men? That's women power! "
We interviewed a da'i (caller to Islam) called 'Amza Yusuf' about his thoughts. 'Well we saw how the people were being misguided by the haram of celebrities, so we thought, why don't we use celebrities in a good way? It first started off when my friends started telling girls that they could marry Johnny Depp. And they pointed to me, because I'm the muslim version of johnny depp. So I got 4 girls to convert and marry me. Some even thought that I was Johnny Depp, and that Johnny Depp had converted to Islam. They even asked if I was a real Muslim and had abandoned my haram relationships.
But then we realised there's not many muslim celebrity look-a-likes that are so sincere that they'd marry for dawah. So we thought, people can marry celebrities in jannah!"
And for guys, Amza had an idea too:
"And for all those guys who can't have Britney Spears and Whitney Houston, then they can wish for their look-a-likes in heaven. Don't need to go for impure people in this world then, when you can have pure, faithful, beautiful people in Jannah. And they won't break up with you after a day too! I tell dumb guys that when they see a really pretty girl, they should lower their gaze and avoid desire. Because obviously they won't get that girl, so they should just do good deeds, so they'll get that girl in jannah. I told you this religion is about love. We're saving people, one halal relationship at a time "
I asked but what about those people who aren't interested in celebrities, like those that just play games or watch cartoons all day?
He said 'well we said that they can have a dragon ball z or sumurai jack or powerpuff girls or sailor moon powers in jannah, and have the good characters there too. Although they'd all be hijabi though. But who wouldn't want to be a hero and make their own story? Imagine being able to teleport in a sec, or kamehamaha things! And you can't even die woohoo! You're like the ultimate good guy. But what is soo sick is that, you can wish for pokemons too! Be a pokemon master, get your Charizards and Mewtwo and any pokemon, and you can start off with them, you don't need to work hard and train them from the start, when they're useless unevolved forms. And you won't get that team rocket that keep trying to ruin things and kidnap pokemons,they'd have no hands because of theft. So Islam appeals to everyone you know. Although I don't know about Freeza or Mojojojo being there, they'll be in hell probably because of their shirk and evilness as they called themselves Lord and complex names. If you want to be Freeza or Mojojojo, then obviously you deserve to be in hell, because you're an evil person, a terrorist."
And he had another idea too:
"But for those people who love 'X-factor' and "Ummah got talent", and want to win it, we invented a "Paradise got talent" idea, a halal idea without the haram music and naked ugly women. We got all sorts of people coming, and we asked them for what they want in life, and normally they were like "we want amazing voices and amazing dance moves". Obviously they had crap voices and lame dance moves, and would never reach that stage of amazingness, so we told them they can have that, but only if they become Muslim and thus go to Jannah. You can get the best of voices and dances skills in Jannah."
But some people were still very hostile to Islam. WDL (weirdos defence league) members protested outside the former Church that was converted to a nikah hall. WDL leader Mr Bad Muffins was interviewed on the rise of Islam and said "the Muslims are taking over the world, they even took over the media, that's why Yoda is Muslim dressed, is green and trying to defeat me. They had a WMD which was a green light saber. They're a menace to the world, they even converted everyone in the death star and made it look like a partial moon. That's where the moon on the minarets comes from. And don't forget that Narnia is Muslim country now, because of Caliph Aslan."
However some people complained that Yoda was not a pious Muslim because he was beardless, disregarding the excuse that he could grow no beard. They even accuse him of shirk because of his saying "may the force be with you", when it should be "may Allah swt be with you".
Note- the above stories about the conversion are not real. Please do not message me about where you can find celebrity Muslim look-a-likes.